when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
