I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
