there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
