you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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