a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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