a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
