someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
