I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
