I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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