Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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