Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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