Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
