from now on my penis is your penis
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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