Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
