the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
