My pussy is not your playground.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
