The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
as a side note pls kill me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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