Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
