and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You made out with two different species that night
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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