weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
