she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
