We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
