Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
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donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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