guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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