Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You should frame my arrest warrant.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
