Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
