my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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