Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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