woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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