We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
