the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
