Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
