Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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