worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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