dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
