Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
