Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
