May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
