walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
