I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
