i would punch a child for taco bell
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
