God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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