I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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