Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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