1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
