Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
