just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
