how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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