My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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