note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
