When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
