Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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