Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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