I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
