Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
