it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
