I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
