If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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