i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
