I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
