Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
