Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
