I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
