Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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